Eliminating Fear
“ Trips to the out house
daily routine of elimination
first thing in the morning
last thing at night.”
My sister wrote that poem about her austere way of life in the north woods. People suffer all kinds of disabilities but few rank up there as too embarrassing to discuss. We all associate bowel talk as a subject for the elderly or young mothers potty training their toddlers. Circumstance has changed both my life and my views.
Elimination is a part of everyone’s life; no one escapes it, yet why does it embarrass us so? Maybe because we recognize there are many kinds of toxins that we need to eliminate, not just from the food we eat or the air we breathe. Toxins such as negative thoughts or words that we fail to eliminate and drag us down or stop us from reaching our goals. Living with an ostomy means: I no longer can just appear strong but that I am strong.
A couple of years ago I became very ill with ulcerative colitis. It is a physically painful and embarrassing disease. It started out with; I could not go anywhere there was not a bathroom close by, to not eating for thirty days. I was hospitalized and the doctors could not get the disease under control, thus resulting in an operation. This operation involved the complete removal of the large intestine. I have what they call an ileostomy. Without a bowel I have no normal way to excrete toxins out of my body, “In lay terms I can’t poop.” So part of my intestines is pulled out through a hole that is made in my abdomen and waste exits there in a bag I attach every couple of days. I was told that as an osmotic that I would live a perfectly normal life. There were only a few things I could not do, like: wrestling, football, and martial arts.
Martial Arts! I owned and operated a martial arts school for the last twenty years and was the only breadwinner of a family of four. The doctor said, “ You could easily herniate the intestine with that vigorous of exercise and you must be careful not to receive a blow to that area.”
“ It’s okay’” I said. “I block really well.” Anyway being an A-type personality I continued in the martial arts.
This brings us to living and dealing with the ileostomy. The very act of kicking for me is a risk, not to injury but in an embarrassing situation. The bag that is attached to my stomach is applied simply with a paste similar to denture cream and a sticky tape wafer. I take a chance every time I throw a kick that the apparatus could dislodge resulting in a mess.
Of course this in fact has happened. That perfect day, or so it seemed, over one hundred students came through my school doors. I felt fulfilled, then the sh__ hit the fan or should I say ran down my leg. I closed my eyes momentarily and prayed, “Please. God, just let me disappear now.” I didn’t disappear and as I looked up at my students I knew it was time to put my mental martial arts training into place. I excused myself and went into the bathroom, cleaned up, changed and went back out to teach. I then shared with the class my ailment. In doing so opened up the floor to all sorts of dialogue I had no idea was possible. Some shared with me ailments they had that I did not know afflicted them. As a result of my sharing and my example of continuing in my training some felt inspired to accomplish their goals. I continue to be open, both in an outside of the school. I’m not shy about my ostomy and I have been surprised at how many people know of someone with some type of ostomy or are an ostomite themselves.
I still have bad days because there are a lot of inconveniences to this disability. I generally try to use humor to diffuse them. I make jokes about myself like: I give a whole new meaning to, “I have a gut feeling,” or, the other day when I went to the pharmacy and they asked me, “What kind of bags do you need?”
I had to remember not to say, “Paper!”
Yes, humor helps on those days when I would rather not put up with this disease’s challenge. There are many different avenues of coping as there are people with this problem. I have a few friends who find it difficult to leave their homes or to travel. I look at it this way: I am an ostomite whether I leave home or not, so eliminate fear and live life!
